Room 204 is closed today

Per the order of the Society For The Moderation Of Glitter(SMG), Room 204 is closed today Wednesday, October 26, 2022. The closing is due to excessive glitter contamination levels.

Press Release Wednesday, October 26, 2022

On the afternoon of Tuesday, October 25, 2022, Regional Emergency Services Personnel (RESP) were summoned to the main floor of Trinity UMC Preschool.

Upon arrival in Room 204, emergency personnel found a substitute building caretaker in the corner of the room with tremors. The worker was stuttering out the barely audible words: “it came back, it came back.”

Emergency responders immediately diagnosed the worker with pre-seasonal acute grand glitteritus.

Glitteritus is a condition that temporarily impairs building caretakers when excessive amounts of glitter from student art projects becomes lodged in carpet fibers. Despite careful vacuuming, glitteritus is triggered when caretakers realize their efforts to remove the glitter are not being effective.

To counter the glitteritus, emergency responders rush caretakers in the acute grand condition to the nearest local craft brewery. Research has shown that a drip line IV linked to a seasonal beer like an Oktoberfest reduce the manifestation of the glitteritus. Craft brewers have been trained to work cooperatively with emergency responders in making the proper IV line connections to the appropriate keg.

Coming out of the pandemic, RESP expects to have a busy season responding to calls related to pre-seasonal acute grand glitteritus.

During the pandemic researchers from the Vacuum Institute of America (VIOA) have been experimenting with vacuum cleaners powered by the same jet engines found on the Boeing B777-300. Those jumbo engines safely take passengers on transcontinental flights.

Additionally, the Association For Building Caretakers(AFBC) is working with state and federal legislators to introduce state and federal laws that would limit the amount of glitter that students can use for seasonal art projects.

RESP responders expect the contaminated classroom to be closed for one full school day. This will allow representatives from VIOA to conduct a real time test on the carpet of the classroom.

Progress is being made with vacuum cleaners powered by the B777-300 engines. Noise reduction has improved, but officials are still concerned about classroom items that the powerful vacuum sucks up that are larger than glitter particles.

My nemesis (Photo by Bill Pike)

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